Bingo!

In North Carolina, the fourth grade curriculum is focused on our state. During last summer my son and I explored our state to coincide with his study of NC. It was a fun adventure, and something I recommend whether the adventure is for kids or adults. Viewing your state as a visitor, tourist, and teacher will have you seeing things in a whole new light.

We created a bingo board to determine where we would visit. You can see it here:

He could choose any line he wished, and we visited. We also kept a map of NC counties and marked which we had driven through or visited on our travels. We explored college campuses, a beach, state parks, museums, and a variety of local restaurants as well as some of our state’s government buildings. It was fantastic. I wish so much I would have done the same thing with my oldest.

With us nearing the summer, he has requested we pull out the old NC Bingo board again and make plans to mark off some of the other squares we didn’t get to last year. I am happy to oblige. I’m not quite sure where we may end up, but he has mentioned the possibilities of Asheville and Greensboro.

When I think back on my own childhood, so many of my favorite memories with my parents were little adventures and road trips. After my brother was born, my dad made it a priority to spend every Saturday doing something fun with just the two of us. How I treasure those memories. When I was really young, my mom and I would take off to Charlotte to visit her sister and my cousins. And I have loads of memories of my grandparents taking me to visit great aunts and uncles or for a day of adventure to an amusement park or zoo.

When my oldest was growing up, we would often have summer adventures of visiting a waterpark or library or amusement park. One morning I woke him early and we had a day of all of his favorite things including exploring a nearby NASCAR shop.

There are so many things I wish I could have done or could do better as a parent. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve been too permissive. I’ve zoned out. I’ve hovered. I’ve cared about some things I should not have and neglected things I should have addressed. But, I’m pretty sure one thing I’ve done pretty well is set aside quality time with them. I’m looking forward to doing it again this summer with my youngest.

Nothing is Left

So I’ve been doing so good with my elimination diet. I’ve been able to determine a number of triggers of inflammation and problems for me. I’ve basically determined that dairy is not my friend, wine is not my friend, sugar is not my friend, and corn is not my friend. Many years ago — probably close to two decades now — I had a food allergy panel completed to help me determine if food allergies were the culprit of some significant health problems I was having at the time. That revealed an allergy to beef. I have avoided all beef since that time. Many people wonder how I can give up steaks, burgers, meatballs, and the like. I always explain that if you knew it caused you to be in pain to the degree that you go to the emergency room, you’d gladly avoid it, also. I stand by that statement.

But dairy, wine, corn, and sugar do not send me to the emergency room. They can make me uncomfortable, but ingesting them will not make me feel like I am dying. Therefore, when I am facing a big bowl of cheesy crab dip, I am staring down temptation unlike the urge to chow down on a Big Mac. And the last few days, I have indulged in foods that are not great for me.

I attended a conference for work. I know conference food is usually bland or mediocre, but this food was really good. And they kept giving us sweets. Literally in one day we had cannolis AND tiramisu cake for dessert while have lemon and pecan bars for the afternoon break. Holy sugar rush.

I brought my mom with me on my trip and each day after my sessions ended, we would go out and enjoy the area. We especially enjoyed local restaurants. We had shrimp and mahi mahi, rice pilaf and hushpuppies, flatbread pizza and mac and cheese. And then there was the ice cream and cheesecakes. LAWD!!!!!

I’m so sorry to report there is no food remaining on the lower North Carolina coast. We ate it all. If you’re planning a trip, you may want to wait a week or so to allow time for the restaurants to replenish. And, yes, I paid for it. But my mom told me today, “This is more than I’ve eaten since your dad passed.” There it was. Forgive me for being so blunt, but I don’t give a shit if my joints ached, my fingers were swollen, I was congested, or any other possible side effect. It was worth it.

There is something so healing about sharing a meal together. Mom and I savored the fish tacos trying to narrow down if the heat was in a condiment or the spices on the fish. We commented on the creaminess of each cup of ice cream. We dug two forks into one piece of cheesecake debating if strawberries or sour cream topping was the superior option. We made ourselves into amateur food critics. And we smiled as we commented on which menu options Dad would have chosen.

So I’m going to need to start eliminating from my diet again to get me back to where I was. Mind you, my joints may be a bit sore, but my heart is pretty full (much like my stomach was while on my trip).

Week Four – Let’s Get Reacquainted

So it’s time to get reacquainted with some foods that had previously been removed from my diet. I did really well with eliminating the foods, but introducing them to see my reactions hasn’t gone as smoothly. Namely, this is because I’m finding it difficult to limit myself and go through the protocol Dr. Cole outlines in his book The Inflammation Spectrum.

The process is to reintroduce one food at a time in a very slow, methodical way. But having gone without desserts for the better part of a month means I want to gorge on anything sat in front of me. And waiting a week beyond that for a different food attempt? Are you insane? Don’t you know it’s near inhumane to have to go this long without pasta? I’ve given up sodas and plan on sticking with it. Isn’t that enough, you brute?

To stop myself from getting overly dramatic, allow me to refocus on what I’ve discovered thus far. Most of my food sensitivities I had suspected, but this experiment confirmed it. Some food sensitivities I’ve been surprised by. Other sensitivities I’m going to need to go through the process again since I’ve not been strictly by the book.

Wine causes some serious nasal congestion for me. I don’t know yet if this is true for all alcohol or just wine. Additionally, I’ve known for some time that wine can trigger migraines for me. I know many people experience wine as a migraine trigger, but congestion? Am I the only one? Is this as weird as I think it is? I’m not sure if this is a sensitivity or an allergy.

I have found a similar situation with some dairy products. While they do not appear to cause me migraines, I do notice an increase in congestion and the need to clear my throat as well as some hoarseness. I find this to be especially true with cheese. I don’t know yet if there is a difference of reaction based on the type of cheese. I also find myself having abdominal pain ice cream or a milkshake. I am discovering there is a threshold regarding quantity. A small amount of ice cream (one scoop) seems to be fine while going over that amount in one sitting spells misery for me.

Speaking of desserts and sweets, this is a huge problem area. I haven’t yet discovered if it’s the excess sugar, the dairy, the oils, or grains that can be found in desserts. I’ve had dessert twice since undergoing this elimination diet. Both times made me terribly sick with significant abdominal pain. One dessert was cake. The other was a chocolate mousse. Additionally, the day after the chocolate mousse dessert, I had a migraine. I think there’s something to this, obviously. I’m going to need to continue this process to hone in on the problem ingredient.

At this point, I’m continuing to steer clear of sodas and almost all grains. Additionally, I am significantly limiting my dairy and sugar intake. I’m choosing to stay away from sodas and most of the oils simply because I know this is a healthy practice. I’ll probably try to add in grains this week to see if that’s the problem child. Ahhhhhh……bread, I’ve missed you.

The Business of Death

Grief is hard. I had no idea. I’ve lost grandparents, two aunts, cousins, pets. I thought I understood grief, because I had experienced it. Yet losing my dad is a grief that I had never known. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I could not have even comprehended it.

There have been a number of surprises along the way. The idea that simply walking into a Wendy’s would bring tears to my eyes with a flood of memories is shocking. Today, in fact, I was at a small diner eating lunch after a work meeting. As I walked to the cash register to pay my bill, I saw a young man sitting at the counter out of the corner of my eye. My vision gravitated to the Advance Auto Parts logo on his shirt, and it took my breath remembering my dad in his shirt with the same logo. I’m not sure if it will ever stop — the sight of one seemingly innocuous thing that breaches a dam of memories and emotions.

The biggest revelation of the last three months has been the business of death. As my mom, brother, and I have waded through this experience, we often wonder how people that are managing this on their own get it all done. The experience of tracking down accounts, documents, paperwork, and passwords…calling this company and that only to be told you have to send death certificates, notarized forms, official letters, this account number and that account number…..it’s frustrating and overwhelming and practically a full-time job. I am so lucky that my brother and I get along so well and genuinely like each other so we can work through all of this together.

About a year ago I called a friend that is an estate lawyer. Having two kids, I knew making sure my will is current and all of my “affairs are in order” was important. Now having gone through this process with my dad’s death, though, has helped reinforce just how important this is. Nobody wants to sit around and think of their mortality, but laying out everything for those left behind I’ve decided is one of the most loving things one can do.

But even when things are laid out and wishes are known and arrangements are made, managing the business of death is hard. Just saying that is surreal — the business of death, as if it’s buying and selling stocks or a real estate transaction. Business sounds like a word devoid of emotions while death is soaked in emotion. And yet, that’s exactly what it is: the business of death.

I always try to be authentic in my blogging. Truthfully, there are no emotions that are unique to humans. Sadness, confusion, embarrassment, joy, anxiety, happiness, contentment — we all feel them from time to time. I sometimes hesitate from writing about the emotional fallout of my dad’s death. We don’t like to be reminded or to sit in the discomfort of pain, but this is part of the human experience. And the business of death is part of the process for those surviving.

Week Three – Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes

I knew Spring Break meant I would depart from my elimination plan. I’ve tried to make good choices as much as possible, but I knew this week I would be eating out and having some special meals. I am learning to be kind to myself and give myself a lot of grace with this plan. This isn’t an exercise in weight loss or a practice in self-restraint. This is purely an experiment to try to figure out what foods nurture my body and which foods my body wants to rebel against.

This weekend I set my self-imposed limitations aside and had popcorn and a soda at the movies. Listen, there’s no judgment for this. When you are a mom, you’d think that simply taking your video-game obsessed preteen to the movies to watch Super Mario Brothers on the big screen and seeing his excitement and beaming smile would be all the reward you’d need, but you’d be wrong. Movie theatre popcorn and a large cola is the true incentive. I will not allow anyone to make me feel badly about this. I worked hard for that $672.49 I spent on concessions Saturday.

Then Easter I indulged in a number of dishes that had sugar, dairy, oils, and grains. All of it. It all tasted so, so good. And, honestly, it was exactly what I needed to convince me to continue in this process.

This morning I woke up with my joints screaming. Head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes), and eyes and ears and mouth and nose ….. they all hurt. I ached and my body was stiff getting out of bed. One of the points pointed out in Dr. Cole’s book is that this type of inflammatory joint pain is typically on both sides of the body. This helps to distinguish this type of pain from an injury. My morning achiness was consistent with inflammation based on this claim. In fact, I noticed my knees starting to feel achy last night.

Other things I noticed today — increased pressure in my neck and head (this is an ongoing problem related to my migraines), tiredness, an overall feeling of “bleh” (which is a very scientific and research-based phrase), and pressure in my sinuses. A visit to the chiropractor always helps the pressure in my head and neck, so I was happy to have an appointment today.

I have a feeling I’m going to have to deal with some cravings again as I did in the beginning, but no worries. I’m ready for it. At least this time around I’ve got my migraine medication. Today I’ve tried to shift back to eliminating dairy, refined seed oils, grains, and added sugar. I’ve increased my water today to help flush out my system…..or at least to try to flush out the 52 slices of cake I’ve had in the past 24 hours. I didn’t really want to eat so much cake, but I felt like I really needed to see if cake was the culprit for my inflammation. One slice might have made a difference, but really, why take chances? I needed at least three-fourths of the cake to be certain. It was all in the name of science.

I am hopeful the two plus weeks I’ve been diligent to limit my foods will give me an advantage in getting back on track. And if not, my heads and shoulders, knees and toes should give me motivation.

Week Two Done – Your Body is a Temple

I am well into week three of my elimination diet experiment. I have not had a single sip of soda in two and a half weeks. No candy or rice or donuts or ice cream or corn in more than two weeks. With very few exceptions, I’ve eliminated dairy, grains, inflammatory oils, and added processed sweeteners for the past two and a half weeks.

I retook my initial evaluation from Dr. Cole’s book The Inflammation Spectrum. My overall inflammation quiz score has dropped 11 points. Some of the more noticeable specific improvements are less joint aches/swelling/arthritis symptoms, an improvement in focus and energy, less allergy symptoms, and less rosacea flareups.

I still have cravings for soda or cold drinks beyond water. I’ve found that 100% orange juice (NOT from concentrate or with added sweeteners) helps this. And I’m learning my cravings for foods seem to have a lot to do with food textures. I want cake or bread. Mashed potatoes and ice cream or yogurt would be nice, too. That’s what I’m really missing.

Most of the time I don’t seem to struggle with eliminating those four targeted food groups. I’ve learned that I can go to Chick-Fil-A and have grilled chicken nuggets when I’m on the road and need to eat. Those are yummy, so they make me happy that I can eat for convenience and still stay on track.

Obviously, I’m cooking much more than usual at home. I really don’t care to cook. Part of the reason is because I can’t just open my pantry and fridge, see 5 different ingredients, and think of how to throw them together to make something tasty a la Chopped on the Food Network. My brain just doesn’t work that way. I knew I would need to keep turkey burgers in my fridge so I had something quick and easy. I almost always have ground turkey meat since I don’t do beef. I’ve fixed chicken breasts and a pork loin one night. But the truth is I don’t have a lot of variety right now. I’m limiting four groups of foods, I’m allergic to beef, and my kid is very picky. Therefore, those turkey burgers have about worn out their welcome on my dinner table. I need to find some new options or my taste buds and my 11 year old will revolt.

Outside of that, trying to eat at a restaurant is my biggest challenge to sticking to the elimination diet. I try to make good choices, but there’s no way to know what ingredients are always being used in the kitchen. I stay away from the obvious problems, and just do my best with others. I am enjoying the improvements I’ve noticed, but I’m also not going to drive myself insane with this. I figure what I’ve done so far has got to be helping me realize any problematic foods for my body. I did notice when I ate cheese recently (it wasn’t much, but it was in a dish), congestion appeared before I left the restaurant. That was a big clue for me that dairy is probably going to be inflammatory, but we shall see.

Because I’ve had a few occasions this week which more than likely meant exposure to some of my eliminated items (ate at a few restaurants), I will likely continue the experiment beyond four weeks into a fifth week before trying to reintroduce some items.

Funny enough, I wasn’t planning on practicing abstaining from something during Lent this year. With Dad having passed just a couple of months ago, it felt like that wasn’t a good thing for me to do to observe Lent. I can’t really explain it, but I know that’s just where I’ve been mentally and spiritually. More than taking away something, I felt like I needed the time to give my body what it needed. However, it is ironic that I’ve ended up abstaining through this diet. Of course, the purposes behind giving up for Lent and giving up for this elimination diet are worlds apart, but it’s still felt weirdly spiritual. Like maybe taking care of my body is helping to take care of my mind which is helpful in taking care of my soul. I think it’s all probably connected. After all, in 1 Corinthians it says your body is a temple.

Week One Done – For Better Or Worse

I am into week two of my elimination diet. I had originally planned to blog every day like I did once upon a time, but there is just no way now. So weekly updates and sporadic surprises blogs will have to do.

I have successfully avoided ingesting grains, dairy, inflammatory highly refined seed oils (corn, soy, canola, sunflower, vegetable, and grapeseed oils), and processed and added sweeteners (cane sugar, corn syrup, agave syrup, xylitol, etc.). Additionally, no alcohol and no caffeine. Well….by successfully avoided I mean I’m not giving up my splash of creamer in my morning coffee. While I totally believe discovering and ridding my diet of inflammatory foods is good for my health, going without coffee is not good for the health of anyone with whom I come into contact.

But I have changed my creamer. No dairy. I use an almond-based natural creamer. Eventually, as my palate changes, I’m going to try to make the switch to coconut cream in my coffee. Now that I’ve discovered coconut cream, we are having a passionate love affair. I don’t know how I didn’t know about this stuff earlier. I’ve used coconut oil before, but cream is new to me. I forever pledge my devotion to coconut cream whenever I make sweet potatoes from this moment forward. For better or for worse. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others. Amen.

Okay…..so I have another confession to make. I did have one cheat moment. But I don’t feel the least bit guilty. Saturday was the gender reveal party for my first grandchild. I love food. I love sweets. I made a conscientious decision going into that event that I would eat before I went, chug a ton of water, and while there avoid everything on my elimination list…..except one cookie and a slice of cake. My daughter-in-law had the most adorable custom iced cookies made for the event. They were pure works of art. And the cake was blue because it’s going to be a boy. Fresh, delicious, moist blue cake to celebrate the upcoming arrival of my first grandson. Really, it would have been rude not to eat it. Grains, dairy, seed oils, and sweeteners be damned. Worth every bite.

And now I’m back on track. There are a few things I’ve noticed. Could be coincidence. Could be I’m sensitive to something I am now avoiding. My allergies and clearing of my throat are improved. My anxiety is improved. The arthritis and swelling in my hands are not problems at this moment. Some joint aches are improved. Of course, I had four migraines last week, but I am certain that has to do with the fact that my insurance company wants to make me jump through hoops to get my medication rather than anything dealing with my diet. However, I am now back on my medication so I’ll be eager to see if the elimination diet over a few weeks can help me determine some triggers. Additionally…..and I hesitate to say this…..but I’ve lost a few pounds, also. I hesitate to say that because it’s not really the point. The point is to reduce inflammation, focus on how I feel, try to find migraine triggers, manage stress better, have more energy, and sleep better. In a nutshell, the point is to be healthier. It’s not about losing weight. However, if that’s a side effect, I won’t complain.

Again, it could be coincidence or it could be due to foods, but the night after eating one piece of cake and splitting a cookie with my mom, I had the absolute worst night of sleep I’ve had in a very, very, very long time. I had trouble falling asleep (which is usually never an issue for me) due to hot flashes and restless legs. They were awful. I couldn’t keep my legs still. If you don’t deal with restless legs, it’s hard to explain that sensation. I’ve dealt with restless legs since I was a child, but they got considerably better after I had my children. Regardless, that night was one of the worst in years. My hips ached. It was literally like I was the princess in the old tale, “The Princess and the Pea.” And then when I did fall asleep, I could not stay asleep. I was hot….then cold…..then hot….then cold. And my joints ached and my legs wanted to move.

But I’d do it again for a piece of that blue cake. It was delicious. I hope I don’t discover cake is off-limits for me or things could get very interesting.

Milking My Headache

Day 2: Today was the day to give up dairy. No butter, no milk, no dairy-type creamer, no ice cream, no cheese. Some would say…no happiness. The grains part was easy, but I knew this one would be considerably more difficult. One day is one thing, but a month? We shall see if this really is an adventure in perfection.

The day started with a sizable challenge — a migraine. I knew it was coming since I haven’t had my migraine preventative medication since last week. I woke with a dull ache — nothing unbearable, but no fun. As the morning continued, I realized the bulk of this migraine would not be pain in my head, but nausea. When nausea accompanies my headaches, I reach for Pepsi. It soothes my stomach until the medication kicks in. I knew today was going to be a real test.

I needed to drive more than an hour to visit a school for work today. On my way out the door I grabbed my rescue migraine medication and a bottle of water along with a snack pack of carrots and an orange. After I took my medication, the nausea set in. It was intense. I sipped on the water hoping it would quell it. Thanks to morning traffic, I didn’t have any spare time to stop at a gas station and grab a soda. Honestly, that was the only reason why I didn’t indulge. And while I was at it, I probably would have grabbed a pack of crackers for good measure.

Eventually, I arrived at the school. The school secretary, a beacon of hospitality, offered me a bottle of water upon my arrival. I was relieved because I had finished my previous bottle at least 20 miles back. And right on time, my nausea and headache subsided just before I greeted the principal.

As for the rest of the day, I have become aware of how much I indulge in junk in the evening. My son and I bake cookies almost every night as part of our routine. He takes his shower while I stick the cookies in the oven. Once he gets out of the shower, we read, prepare for the next day, and eat the cookies. Last night I was able to skip the cookies with no problem, but tonight was a challenge. I’m not sure if it is mental games, migraine residuals, old habits, or none of those. However, I am starving. Starving. I want cookies. I want cheese. I want chocolate. I want soda, too, while we’re at it. I have some pretzels and chocolate hummus snack packs in my fridge right now. I want all of them. But I’ve been good. I figure if I can keep to my plan while battling my migraine, I can handle some cookie cravings.

Today’s food choices: baby carrots, orange, smoothie (coffee-flavored protein powder, coconut, dates), turkey burger, tomato slices, sweet potato with coconut cream and cinnamon, blueberries, cashews, coffee with almond creamer and water.

Going Against the Grain

I may not be old, but I’m older than I used to be. And my body knows it. I’m at the point where I still want to eat like my 20 year old self, but my body rejects that notion. I’ve not exactly been the kindest to myself since those pandemic days. And since Dad died, whatever healthy habits I may have had have fallen by the wayside. Chips? Yes, please. Fast food? If I must. Sitting for hours and hours. Check. Staying up late and having weird sleeping habits. Guilty. You get the idea. Honestly, there have been some days when taking a shower was considered a triumph.

But as one of my favorite sayings goes, “You either have the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with doing what you must when life is hard, but if you continue that way for too long, it does catch up with you. I am feeling the effects of some of these. Nothing dramatic, mind you, but enough to know I need to do something different. I was inspired by a book I recently read, The Inflammation Spectrum by Dr. Will Cole. In a nutshell, the concept is to undergo an elimination diet for a short while to gain the knowledge of which foods cause inflammatory reactions in you.

I know how food plays a huge role in health. My son has a number of food allergies which required him to avoid most packaged and sugary foods as a young child. His immune system was incredible. He would bounce back after the flu, strep throat, or any number of typical childhood ailments with ease compared to classmates. I was diagnosed as an adult with an allergy to beef. Once I removed it from my diet, I no longer needed a daily inhaler, eyedrops, or allergy injections.

Therefore, it seems like giving this short term approach an attempt may be worth my while. Each day for four days, I will remove one food from my diet. I will continue to keep this out of my diet for four weeks. Then I will document if some symptoms of inflammation such as achy joins, swelling, brain fog, anxiety, fatigue, red and angry skin, throat clearing, etc. are reduced. This is the Core4 option. He also has an Elimin8 option with 8 foods. I know my limits, and I don’t want to set myself up for failure, so we’ll start with the Core4. The title of my blog is Adventures in Perfection — not Adventures in Crash and Burn, so I’m going to start small.

Listen. I love food. Seriously. I love to eat. Vegetables, meat, pastries, pasta, chocolate, pizza…..I want it all. And sodas are my vice. Scratch that. Caffeine in all its drinkable forms is my vice. But I don’t want to feel like crap, and I can’t keep trying to relive my college health habits. So here we are. Day 1. Gone are grains. It’s not a great day. I’ve been crazy productive, but I feel bleh. This afternoon my body was achy and it felt as if I was building the pressure of a migraine. Mind you, I haven’t had my migraine meds since last Wednesday thanks to my insurance company asking me to do a song and dance through hoops, but I digress…..point is, my head pressure is probably more to do with medication than grains. Is it really a great idea to undertake an elimination diet when you are not taking your regularly scheduled migraine medications? Undoubtedly not, but it should at least make for some interesting writing here.

No grains meant I could enjoy a candy bar when I had an overwhelming sweet tooth this evening, but that will end tomorrow. Speaking of which, tomorrow’s food elimination category may be the death of me. I just keep on telling myself I can do anything for four weeks. It’s just a month. And if it reduces inflammation resulting in feeling good and being healthier, even better. And you get to be along for the ride, because if I don’t blog about it, I won’t do it. Accountability matters — even if that’s accountability to myself and my writing.

Today’s food choices: smoothie with vanilla protein powder, blueberries, spinach, turmeric, and a banana. (It tasted really good, but it was an unappealing gray to look at in the blender.); Italian sausage and mashed potatoes leftovers; yogurt covered almonds and blueberries; deconstructed cheeseburger bowl (containing turkey burger, spinach, tomato, onion, provolone cheese, and mustard; coffee; red wine; water; chocolate bar.

The Letter

Being in my head is a weird place to be. As a child I would get totally lost in my thoughts. Teachers often noted I was a “daydreamer” which I never looked at as an insult. As I’ve gotten older those thoughts have multiplied. Now, approaching menopause, I’ve experienced what many refer to as “fuzzy brain.”

I think fuzzy brain is an inaccurate term. I think it’s a matter of so many thoughts coming at warp speed that they are difficult to untangle or order. They aren’t fuzzy. It’s not that my thinking isn’t clear. It’s that I’m thinking so many thoughts that bounce around so my mind is a mental pinball machine. It’s hard to focus on one. With all those thoughts bouncing in my head, I can’t help but think of at least 10 different writing topics at a time. Writing a book is on my bucket list, so those ideas are helpful. And with January being a month of extreme highs and lows, it has been amplified. Case in point: a few weeks before my dad passed away unexpectedly, I found out my first grandchild would be born in the summer.

Since Dad’s death, I’ve often thought composing letters as if he is writing to me would make an interesting and cathartic exercise. This is how it starts….

Laura,

I’m so excited about my first great-grandchild. It’s hard to believe Eddie is old enough to have his own child. I keep remembering him as a little boy with me taking him to feed the fish, play on the playground. Do you remember that one time he got bee stung in the truck and we all freaked out a bit? He was so little, but a handful for sure.

I remember being so proud watching you with Eddie after he was born at the hospital. I remember being in awe that you were a parent. It was hard to imagine me loving you any more than in that moment, but I’ve felt that way so many times. I felt that way about Adam, too, when I saw him for the first time with Amelia. I’m so excited that you will experience what I experienced that first time I laid eyes on any of my grandchildren. It’s a great moment, and rest assured, I’ll be there.

I know you are sad that I won’t physically be there. I know you wonder how you can be a grandparent without me there to give you hints along the way. I know you’re imagining all the conversations you’ll miss where we can compare grandparent notes. I know you feel it’s unfair that your grandparents got to enjoy the titles of great-grandparents while I do not. But I had 48 years to prepare you for this and every other moment that you have faced and will face. And Adam had 40 years. The truth is there is nothing I can say by your side and in your physical presence that hasn’t already been said. I still get the title of great-grandfather. And I know you, Eddie, Adam, and your mom will share stories of me with this little one so he/she will come to know me. It will be the same with Amelia and Deacon. I passed along my storytelling gene to you and your brother just as my father passed it to me. Stories keep me present. They keep me alive. And the best part is you get to skip all the mundane parts. You get to skip all the not so pretty parts. You get to skip the parts where I was sick at the end.

But please don’t make me out to be a martyr. Please don’t make me sound larger than life or perfect or anything more than who I was and continue to be. I often thought I wasn’t enough — not educated enough, not spiritual enough, not healthy enough, not wealthy enough, not ambitious enough. But now that I’m on this side of eternity, the best gift I’ve been given is to see myself through the eyes of you and those that I loved. I realize I was always enough. I look at you and your brother and my wife and brothers and grandchildren and so many others, and I see the impact I’ve made. I see how God created this magnificent life of mine and the roles He gave me and I see how I played them in a way that He tells me makes Him happy. Here in Heaven I get to watch this glorious movie of my life, but I get to see the thoughts of others to know how I impacted them. It was always enough. I was always enough. Not more or less. Enough. I did exactly what I was meant to do even when I made mistakes. So please don’t put me on a pedestal now. We often do that to people who die.

Tell the stories of how you used to ask me silly questions and I would give silly answers. Tell about the time I let you drive your cousin’s new four wheeler without any instructions and you gunned it and it flipped over on us. Tell how we built your new kite and took it across the street to the field and flew it for the first time. Tell how you snuggled up next to me closer and closer as I let you watch Nightmare on Elm Street after you begged. Tell about the times I would lean over and crunch cereal right at your ear because it made you giggle. Tell about the times I crawled into bed next to you and read you Dr. Suess stories. Tell about the time I pulled up my collar and danced like Elvis at your middle school dance. Tell about the dance I would do everytime I got Final Jeopardy. But don’t stop there. Tell about the time I became irate because you took your friend in the car without my permission. Tell about the time I grounded you for having an F on your report card. Tell about the times I said, “I always love you, but I don’t always like you,” because those were important, too. You needed those times of guidance just as much as you needed every hug and laugh. And then reproduce those as needed as you continue to raise Deacon and as you spend time with this new grandbaby. And just like you would call me for advice or help when you were an adult and became a parent, do that for Eddie and Sarah. You don’t stop being a parent just because your child is a parent. And I didn’t stop being your parent just because I died. I’m still here for you, rooting for you, cheering you on, and believing the best in you.

I love ya, girl.

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