Do I Have to Function?

Can we be honest?  I’m tired.  Mind-numbing, bone-aching tired.  I stayed up far too late the week of spring break (a terrible habit of mine when the kids aren’t with me), then we had a head-spinning trip to Baltimore, and now I’m trying to organize and anticipate everything ahead of having Eddie’s consultation with a cardiothoracic surgeon.  I’m thankful for all the activity and my to do lists as they prevent me from spending too much time processing that Eddie is going to have open heart surgery in a matter of months.  Distractions are welcome at this point.

But even with these distractions, one cannot totally escape stress.  Even if I’m not focused on the surgery and coming months each moment of each day, it’s there.  Somewhere.  It’s causing this type of can’t-sleep-well-but-still-so-tired fatigue.  This I-slept-X-hours-but-I-don’t-want-to-climb-out-of-bed exhaustion.

Things will be better once we meet with the surgeon and have a date set.  Then there is an end in sight.  The everything in limbo is so challenging.

But I have moments that leave me relaxed and laughing.  In fact, I’ve probably had more smiles and laughter in the last week than in months combined.

Eddie is incredible.  Somehow in someway it was as if he grew up in a matter of 10 minutes time.  He walked into that cardiology appointment a kid that was sweet and sensitive but could be entitled, moody, selfish, and argumentative (like any other teen).  He walked out determined to define his own life rather than be a victim of his illness or circumstances.  He has articulated his appreciation and emotions in such strong and bold ways.  He has asked direct, complex questions about his surgery and is taking the lead in making decisions for himself and his health.

A couple of months ago while I was in a meeting, Eddie was at home with a friend and babysitting his brother.  He shimmied up the gutter onto my roof.  Then he jumped off the roof onto my couch (which he had moved out of the living room onto the front porch) while shooting a basket into the basketball goal.  I don’t need to tell you that this was not his shining moment of maturity and thinking.  In fact, I opined that perhaps the 5 year old should be the one left in charge of the 15 year old after that debacle.  However, with this new person at my dinner table, I can’t even imagine him doing something so dangerous and irresponsible.

Don’t get me wrong.  He’s not perfect (nor am I) and we don’t have a perfect relationship.  I got so freaking frustrated and angry with him yesterday for interrupting me and backtalking.  And today he has a consequence for this.  However, it was over as quickly as it began…..and he isn’t arguing with the consequence.  In fact, he still shared that he appreciated and loved me AND then he posted it on ….. wait for it…..social media!  WHAT?!

I would do anything….anything to keep my kid from needing to undergo open heart surgery.  However, since it has to happen, I pray that he grows and matures and is a better person for having had gone through it.  And I pray that I am too.

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