A mix of emotions.

Fear is paralyzing. In Scripture over and over we see that fear is not how we are intended to live.  I know that when my decisions have been made out of fear, they are usually ones I regret in time.

Yet I can’t avoid it.  Here I am less than 24 hours away from a day full of my son’s doctor appointments. I feel absolutely conflicted.

So thankful for these great minds that have opened research and discoveries that save the lives of people like my child.  So thankful that these medical professionals are also equally kind and kid friendly. So thankful for the resources and opportunities to make the trip to Baltimore to see the world’s best. So thankful for the opportunity to stay in the Children’s House so I don’t have to pay for a hotel room. So thankful for so much.

But I’m also pissed. When we make this journey I can’t just put LDS in the back of my mind and pretend like it doesn’t exist as I do many days. It is front and center here. We always find a way to do something fun but a distraction is only so effective in a situation like this. And I absolutely hate that this is our family’s reality.

But more than all of that I cannot avoid the fear. Every cardiology visit brings with it anxiety. I know that even if I hear the dreaded words that it’s finally time to talk with a surgeon we will be alright but I also fear that this will be the appointment. This will be the time. And I don’t want it to be. I’m just not ready to see him go through it.  It’s like this every single time we visit the cardiologist.  I’ve lost count how many visits there have been since we first spotted the aneurysm when he was 2.

I’ve seen Rick go through heart surgery twice. I’ve been the wife in the waiting room. I don’t want to be the mom in the waiting room.  I can’t be the mom in the waiting room.

But I also believe firmly that God equips us for whatever journey we are on. I know this is no exception. So l pray that tomorrow will not be the day. Tomorrow will not be the appointment. Admittedly, I fear hearing the words “surgery” but I know He equips us for whatever lies ahead.   Just don’t let it be soon.


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